I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
