sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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