Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
