i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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