You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
