Someone shit on the floor
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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