3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize