I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Welp...herpes.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
