i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
