Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
COCAINE IS GR8
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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