Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
