Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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