cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
send nudes
from the living room?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
