I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
