So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
