just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize