My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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