another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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