Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
