wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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