i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
she peed on how many people?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
