they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
