Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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