How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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