Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
