we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
