Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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