So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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