I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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