I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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