i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
