I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize