Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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