I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
