Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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