Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
