I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
