I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
