I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
