Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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