i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize