Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
