if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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