i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
