I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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