I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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