just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
