So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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