I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
