dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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