When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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