even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
