Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
