i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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