You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
