How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
