I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
