Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
