Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
this will be a night to untag.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize