Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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