So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize