this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
