I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
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